So Many...

My heart is searching tonight-searching for a place to belong. Not a place to belong right now-I am where I belong. But a place to belong later. 

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night about some new realizations I've had recently. 

First of all, I am almost out of college. Ok, so maybe that's not so earth-shattering, but for me it almost was. It was sobering to realize that my time in college is almost up, and then I am completely in the "real world." I have no idea what I want to do after college. Ok, rephrase that-I have plenty of ideas of what I want to do, but no idea of what I actually will do. A year or two ago, that would have absolutely terrified me. Now, I find it exciting. I've learned that God's got everything under His control-again, seems like a no-brainer, but I like to be in control. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. But I'm so glad I did. Now, my entire outlook has changed. I'm excited to have the freedom to live my life without the restraint of school. Don't get me wrong, I have loved college and the amazing friends that God has blessed me with there. But I have so many things I want to do, places I want to see, and things I want to be involved in that I can't do right now because I'm in school. And honestly, there are so many of those places, people, and things that I may not accomplish them all in my life, but that's ok.  

I want to travel the world-to see all these places that I've only read about and seen pictures of in my history book. I want to go to Rome and Paris and London and actually experience history for myself. I want to go to Germany and see magnificent churches, to Austria to see the Alps, to Scotland and Ireland to see where my family came from, to Spain and Switzerland and so many other places. And that's just Europe! Australia, New Zealand, Israel, Russia, Japan, China, Costa Rica, Jamaica...I want to see it all! I would love to have a job where travel was either part of the job, or the hours were flexible enough that I could travel. Some people tell me that I should just become a travel agent and make it my job to go places. I actually looked it up tonight...it's a possibility :)

I want to learn photography. I want to be able to take pictures the way I actually see things. I can't draw or paint (I'm not that artistic), so taking pictures is the closest I can get to capturing the beauty I see around me in the people, animals, plants, and things God has created. I don't know if I would do it professionally (although that would allow me to travel!), but it is something that I really do want to learn. Fortunately, I'm taking a photography class this semester :)

I'm good at planning and organizing things (just ask Seth, I basically run his life for him), and I absolutely love it. I know most people don't, but I do-call me crazy, I guess. I looked up being an event planner tonight, too...another great possibility. And from within that, maybe more specifically a wedding planner. I bought 27 Dresses yesterday and watched it again (I saw it in theaters), and my reaction was the same as the first time I saw it-I laughed. Not just because it's a funny movie, but because my own life is so similar to Jane's. Granted, I don't have a closet full of 27 horrible bridesmaid dresses (I only have 2 so far, and they are both really pretty and worthy of being worn again), nor am I madly in love with my boss but can't tell him, but I do have many of the same characteristics. I love helping people, I'm organized, I take care of the people I love, I can be sarcastic, I love weddings, and if you push me too far, I'll snap and do something crazy (no worries, that usually doesn't happen-it takes A LOT to get me to that point). Although unlike Jane, I can say no. Anyway, at the beginning of the movie, Jane talks about how she found her "calling"- to help people with their weddings. It becomes a theme throughout the entire movie as she explains that she does all of this because she loves the people and wants to make them happy by making their day as special and beautiful and perfect as possible. I love that concept. 

I also want to get married and have a family someday. Someday being the key word there. This is where the rest of the conversation with my mom comes in. When I get married (if it happens), I want to marry my best friend. And with the exception of 2 people in my life, every best friend relationship I've had or have now has taken 2 things: time and work. Which is good, and usually necessary. And even the 2 best friends that are the exceptions are only exceptions in the sense of time. With those two people, we instantly hit it off and had so much in common that it felt like we had been friends for years already. However, both of those relationships have taken work to maintain, just like the other ones. Anyway, I say all of that to say this-my life feels very full right now (at least relationship wise). Full in a good way. I am so blessed and have the most amazing friends that I can't imagine having anyone else in my life in that capacity. Of course I'm not naive enough to say that it can't happen...it will happen at some point. It will happen whenever God has decided for it to happen, and that will be the perfect time. People grow and change and move on-it's just a fact of life. The times that are hardest for me are the days when I hear about another one of my friends getting engaged (or two of them, as the case was this past week). Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for them. But it is a little bittersweet. I've realized that I've reached that point in life where my friends basically fall into two categories: married or single. I have very few friends left that are just dating. And that's fine...again, it's part of growing up and moving on. But sometimes I just have to remind myself that my time will come when it's supposed to, and to be content wherever I am until then. Now the good part about being in that single category is that when I graduate, I'm free to go anywhere and do anything (ok maybe not anything, but you know what I mean). That's part of why I'm so excited. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be married and everything when I'm done with college-I think it's a stability thing for me. But mostly I'm just excited about the different possibilities.

I'm hoping that those possibilities include working for a ministry. I'm in my 4th summer as a youth intern, and I love it. If I could do this full time and get paid enough for it, that would be awesome (according to my pastor, I should just marry a youth minister). But I would also like to work for a larger ministry-Beth Moore, 268 Generation, iWitness, etc. Or something like To Write Love On Her Arms or Invisible Children-organizations that aren't necessarily "ministries" in name, but are basically doing ministry through their organizations. I want to help make a difference in people's lives.

So where do I belong eventually? I don't know. But I have a Savior who is guiding me closer to that place every day, so I'm just taking His hand and following where He leads. Sure, I wander away sometimes...but He loves me enough to discipline me and set me back on the right road. And I can't wait to see where that road takes me :)