Tired

I have reached that point in the semester where I am simply tired. Physically and mentally tired. And possibly getting sick...again. It's really hard for me to be motivated in these times. All I want to do is go crawl in bed and sleep for about 48 hours straight. But unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want a break. Things such as tests, late nights, and responsibilities still continue, and so must I.

At our leadership team meeting the other day, we all had to pick a number and Lee asked us the question that went with that number from this book he had. My question was "If you could do anything you wanted, without anyone finding out, what would it be? And do you think it would be a good thing or a bad thing?" My answer?-just up and leave and go travel the world. I want so badly to go. To see all the places I've only imagined from reading books and taking history classes. I want an adventure. I'm tired of being stuck here, going to school, going to work, doing the same things over and over. Don't get me wrong, San Angelo is my home, and I love it. I don't want to leave forever. Just for a little while. I envy Anne and Kate right now. They're in Paris, really living in Paris. And it's hard, and wonderful, and crazy, and beautiful, and exciting. I wish I was there, too.

My life really isn't that bad...I'm just in one of my highly rare melancholy moods. Actually, my life is pretty fantastic. I have amazing friends and an incredible boyfriend. My family is wonderful, even with our problems. I have a great roommate and best friend. And most of all, I have a beautiful Savior who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend. I catch glimmers of understanding every once in awhile, and each one just floors me. Most recently, I gained a new appreciation for God's patient love. I've been helping a couple friends out with some major issues going on in their lives. I have the answers for them: what they should do, what they shouldn't do, and where to go from here. But they don't want to hear some of those answers. Or they hear them and then just toss them aside and ignore them. It's so frustrating. I'm what my dad calls a "fixer." I help people with their problems. I fix them. It's what I do. And when people don't let me help them, or don't apply what I tell them, when it's so obvious that it's the right thing, it's hard. It makes me want to just throw in the towel and give up. And I'll admit, sometimes I have. But as I was praying about it, God showed me that that's how He feels about us sometimes. He has all the answers we'll ever need, but we're so stubborn and stupid that we throw them back in His face because they're not the answers we want, or we think they're too costly or too hard. Yet He never stops loving us and never gives up on us, even when we do. It blows my mind. And it helps me understand Him a little bit better. I think this is how being a parent must feel, too. You want to fix everything and make everything better, but in the end, you have to let them make their own choices-good and bad. It's hard, but they wouldn't grow otherwise.

On a completely different note...it's amazing how the littlest things can make your day better. As I was in the middle of writing this, I got a visit from a good friend who moved away this year. He was down for a surprise visit, and I was the only one who knew he was coming. It was fun :) He and his friend came by the office to see me and Seth, and it just totally changed my mood. It was good to talk and laugh and remember crazy, fun stories. It pretty much made my day a million times better. So yay :)