Engagement Story

So after church, Tim took some pictures of me for a photo assignment that was due the next week. We took the pictures at his house, but went back to my apartment to edit them because he had to be in town to shoot the softball game later that afternoon. He kept calling me over to his computer to look at what he was doing with the pictures. I can't lie, I was getting really tired of getting up and down (I was comfy on the couch, don't judge me). So the last time I was over there, I told him about a cool idea for a picture that I had thought of that morning (a True Love Waits ring and an engagement/wedding ring...cool symbolism, right?). So he called me over there again, promising that this was the last picture as I made a face at him. When I looked at it, it was a picture of my ring next to an hourglass (the one I attached to this note), and he said "You mean a ring like this?" Being the slow (and slightly sleepy) person that I sometimes am, I said "Yeah, like that!" Then it finally clicked in my head what was happening, and when I looked up from the picture, he had the ring out. He asked me to marry him, and of course I said yes :D Our wedding will be December 19, 2009 here in San Angelo.

Sit With You Awhile

When I cannot feel

When my wounds won't heal

Lord I humbly kneel

Hidden in You

Lord You are my life

So I don't mind to die

Just as long as I'm 

Hidden in You

If I could just sit with You awhile

If You could just hold me

Nothing can touch me

Though I'm wounded, though I die

If I could just sit with You awhile

I need You to hold me

Moment by moment 'til forever passes by

I love this song. It's exactly where I am right now. I've reached the end of my rope. Sometimes I can't feel anything, and sometimes I feel too much. And I definitely have some wounds that won't heal. All I can do is sit here and let my Father hold me. I wish I had gotten here sooner. I wish I could learn to just let it all go sooner. But despite all the pain, I'm glad I'm here. It's the best place I could possibly be...safe in my Father's arms. 

Stillness & Thinking

I always seem to write late at night. I don't know why, but for some reason that seems to be when I'm just in the writing mood. Maybe it's the solitude, or maybe the quiet. Maybe some of it is because I'm at home, and that always makes me nostalgic. Mostly I think it's the stillness. I go and go and go all day long, I'm rarely still. Even if I'm physically still, my mind is still racing, making sure I get everything done. Sometimes, it races too much and too far ahead of me, and I get seriously stressed out. But most of the time, I love it. I love being busy, and doing a million things all at once. I actually function better when I'm slightly stressed. Weird, I know, but it's true. I also function on caffeine...a fact that my boyfriend and friends love to make fun of me for (I can get slightly irritated if I'm deprived or if you try to take it away from me). All of that to say, it's rare that I'm still. So when I am, I'm usually thinking. Really thinking about things. Not planning things, or working on a schedule, or figuring out how to get everything done...just thinking. 

Sometimes, it's a good thing. Everyone needs to slow down every once in awhile and process the things that are going on in their life. Reflect on the things we've been blessed with. Dream about the things we want to accomplish. Simply pray and be thankful. Rest.

Other times, it hurts. I see things I need to work on in my life, areas I've failed. I don't like failing. And then I see the things that aren't my fault, but are still hurting me. Things that I don't have any control over and can't or don't know how to fix. These things hurt the most, because they come from a place that I never expected. And they have changed me forever. I'm not sure yet how I'll recover. But I realized today (after some wise counsel) that I have to recover. I just don't know how. These are the times when I don't like the stillness. When I struggle with the verse that says, "Be still and know that I am God." But these are also the times when I know I need the stillness most. To think and sort through all the pain, the anger, the fear, and the hurt. To give it up the only one who can fix it...whatever that may mean. This is the kind of thinking I have been doing the most lately. 

But there has been much of the happy kind of thinking, too. It never ceases to amaze me how God blesses me in the midst of my struggles. This past semester has been one of the hardest, and yet also one of the best semesters I've ever had. I have an incredible boyfriend, who has helped me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and held me when I was falling apart inside. And after all that, he still wants to stick around for some reason that I sometimes don't understand, but am so glad for. I was not expecting or even looking for a relationship, and God just dropped him in my lap and said, "Here you go!" And I haven't stopped being thankful ever since then :) I have the most amazing group of friends. A core group of us are on the Leadership Team at the B, and it's awesome how close-knit we are as a group. We genuinely love each other, and we work well together. Basically, we've formed a family. And I love it. 

I have more that I'm thinking about, but it can wait for other late night posts. For now, the weariness has caught up with and is taking over the stillness. It's time to sleep and rest.

My Name At Disney Parks

So my dad knows I love all things Disney, and he sent me this email the other day with this video in it. Of course it's not real, but I thought it was funny. It would be cool if it was real! Anyway, I thought I would share it cause it made my day. Enjoy!

Thanks Dad :)

Tired

I have reached that point in the semester where I am simply tired. Physically and mentally tired. And possibly getting sick...again. It's really hard for me to be motivated in these times. All I want to do is go crawl in bed and sleep for about 48 hours straight. But unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want a break. Things such as tests, late nights, and responsibilities still continue, and so must I.

At our leadership team meeting the other day, we all had to pick a number and Lee asked us the question that went with that number from this book he had. My question was "If you could do anything you wanted, without anyone finding out, what would it be? And do you think it would be a good thing or a bad thing?" My answer?-just up and leave and go travel the world. I want so badly to go. To see all the places I've only imagined from reading books and taking history classes. I want an adventure. I'm tired of being stuck here, going to school, going to work, doing the same things over and over. Don't get me wrong, San Angelo is my home, and I love it. I don't want to leave forever. Just for a little while. I envy Anne and Kate right now. They're in Paris, really living in Paris. And it's hard, and wonderful, and crazy, and beautiful, and exciting. I wish I was there, too.

My life really isn't that bad...I'm just in one of my highly rare melancholy moods. Actually, my life is pretty fantastic. I have amazing friends and an incredible boyfriend. My family is wonderful, even with our problems. I have a great roommate and best friend. And most of all, I have a beautiful Savior who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend. I catch glimmers of understanding every once in awhile, and each one just floors me. Most recently, I gained a new appreciation for God's patient love. I've been helping a couple friends out with some major issues going on in their lives. I have the answers for them: what they should do, what they shouldn't do, and where to go from here. But they don't want to hear some of those answers. Or they hear them and then just toss them aside and ignore them. It's so frustrating. I'm what my dad calls a "fixer." I help people with their problems. I fix them. It's what I do. And when people don't let me help them, or don't apply what I tell them, when it's so obvious that it's the right thing, it's hard. It makes me want to just throw in the towel and give up. And I'll admit, sometimes I have. But as I was praying about it, God showed me that that's how He feels about us sometimes. He has all the answers we'll ever need, but we're so stubborn and stupid that we throw them back in His face because they're not the answers we want, or we think they're too costly or too hard. Yet He never stops loving us and never gives up on us, even when we do. It blows my mind. And it helps me understand Him a little bit better. I think this is how being a parent must feel, too. You want to fix everything and make everything better, but in the end, you have to let them make their own choices-good and bad. It's hard, but they wouldn't grow otherwise.

On a completely different note...it's amazing how the littlest things can make your day better. As I was in the middle of writing this, I got a visit from a good friend who moved away this year. He was down for a surprise visit, and I was the only one who knew he was coming. It was fun :) He and his friend came by the office to see me and Seth, and it just totally changed my mood. It was good to talk and laugh and remember crazy, fun stories. It pretty much made my day a million times better. So yay :)

Waiting

My life seems to revolve around waiting right now. Waiting for my loan stuff to get done. Waiting for something else to go wrong with my loan stuff (4th round as of right now). Waiting to be done with school. Waiting for God to tell me what I'm going to do with my life. Waiting for the right guy to come along. Waiting for my family situation to get better. Waiting for my new niece or nephew to be born. Waiting to finally get a paycheck. At the moment...waiting on Seth to be done giving blood so I can take him home. Although now I'm done waiting on that because he's going somewhere else. My life is full of waiting.

But that's ok. I've learned (and am still learning) that waiting is good sometimes. You don't always have to have everything instantly, contrary to what our culture thinks. Sometimes, waiting for something makes actually getting it even better. And sometimes it teaches you patience. And trust. Two things that I always struggle with. I don't have much of either of them except with a select group of people. But I'm learning.

And my life isn't all waiting-it's actually been busy lately. With school and work and BSM and hanging out with friends, I have a lot to do. But I love it :) And now I'm hungry, so I'm going to find some food.

Papers...

...are lame. I rediscover every semester how much I hate writing them. Which is a lot. Tests are lame, too. I have two this week. Plus homecoming stuff...still find it a little weird that I'm nominated for homecoming queen at my college, which is like, two hundred times bigger than my high school. Life is funny like that, I guess. Someday I'm going to get on here and write a real blog with everything happening in my life at the moment, but right now I don't have time. I have to quit procrastinating from my paper and go finish it. Peace.