Stillness & Thinking

I always seem to write late at night. I don't know why, but for some reason that seems to be when I'm just in the writing mood. Maybe it's the solitude, or maybe the quiet. Maybe some of it is because I'm at home, and that always makes me nostalgic. Mostly I think it's the stillness. I go and go and go all day long, I'm rarely still. Even if I'm physically still, my mind is still racing, making sure I get everything done. Sometimes, it races too much and too far ahead of me, and I get seriously stressed out. But most of the time, I love it. I love being busy, and doing a million things all at once. I actually function better when I'm slightly stressed. Weird, I know, but it's true. I also function on caffeine...a fact that my boyfriend and friends love to make fun of me for (I can get slightly irritated if I'm deprived or if you try to take it away from me). All of that to say, it's rare that I'm still. So when I am, I'm usually thinking. Really thinking about things. Not planning things, or working on a schedule, or figuring out how to get everything done...just thinking. 

Sometimes, it's a good thing. Everyone needs to slow down every once in awhile and process the things that are going on in their life. Reflect on the things we've been blessed with. Dream about the things we want to accomplish. Simply pray and be thankful. Rest.

Other times, it hurts. I see things I need to work on in my life, areas I've failed. I don't like failing. And then I see the things that aren't my fault, but are still hurting me. Things that I don't have any control over and can't or don't know how to fix. These things hurt the most, because they come from a place that I never expected. And they have changed me forever. I'm not sure yet how I'll recover. But I realized today (after some wise counsel) that I have to recover. I just don't know how. These are the times when I don't like the stillness. When I struggle with the verse that says, "Be still and know that I am God." But these are also the times when I know I need the stillness most. To think and sort through all the pain, the anger, the fear, and the hurt. To give it up the only one who can fix it...whatever that may mean. This is the kind of thinking I have been doing the most lately. 

But there has been much of the happy kind of thinking, too. It never ceases to amaze me how God blesses me in the midst of my struggles. This past semester has been one of the hardest, and yet also one of the best semesters I've ever had. I have an incredible boyfriend, who has helped me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and held me when I was falling apart inside. And after all that, he still wants to stick around for some reason that I sometimes don't understand, but am so glad for. I was not expecting or even looking for a relationship, and God just dropped him in my lap and said, "Here you go!" And I haven't stopped being thankful ever since then :) I have the most amazing group of friends. A core group of us are on the Leadership Team at the B, and it's awesome how close-knit we are as a group. We genuinely love each other, and we work well together. Basically, we've formed a family. And I love it. 

I have more that I'm thinking about, but it can wait for other late night posts. For now, the weariness has caught up with and is taking over the stillness. It's time to sleep and rest.

My Name At Disney Parks

So my dad knows I love all things Disney, and he sent me this email the other day with this video in it. Of course it's not real, but I thought it was funny. It would be cool if it was real! Anyway, I thought I would share it cause it made my day. Enjoy!

Thanks Dad :)

Tired

I have reached that point in the semester where I am simply tired. Physically and mentally tired. And possibly getting sick...again. It's really hard for me to be motivated in these times. All I want to do is go crawl in bed and sleep for about 48 hours straight. But unfortunately, life doesn't stop just because I want a break. Things such as tests, late nights, and responsibilities still continue, and so must I.

At our leadership team meeting the other day, we all had to pick a number and Lee asked us the question that went with that number from this book he had. My question was "If you could do anything you wanted, without anyone finding out, what would it be? And do you think it would be a good thing or a bad thing?" My answer?-just up and leave and go travel the world. I want so badly to go. To see all the places I've only imagined from reading books and taking history classes. I want an adventure. I'm tired of being stuck here, going to school, going to work, doing the same things over and over. Don't get me wrong, San Angelo is my home, and I love it. I don't want to leave forever. Just for a little while. I envy Anne and Kate right now. They're in Paris, really living in Paris. And it's hard, and wonderful, and crazy, and beautiful, and exciting. I wish I was there, too.

My life really isn't that bad...I'm just in one of my highly rare melancholy moods. Actually, my life is pretty fantastic. I have amazing friends and an incredible boyfriend. My family is wonderful, even with our problems. I have a great roommate and best friend. And most of all, I have a beautiful Savior who loves me more than I can even begin to comprehend. I catch glimmers of understanding every once in awhile, and each one just floors me. Most recently, I gained a new appreciation for God's patient love. I've been helping a couple friends out with some major issues going on in their lives. I have the answers for them: what they should do, what they shouldn't do, and where to go from here. But they don't want to hear some of those answers. Or they hear them and then just toss them aside and ignore them. It's so frustrating. I'm what my dad calls a "fixer." I help people with their problems. I fix them. It's what I do. And when people don't let me help them, or don't apply what I tell them, when it's so obvious that it's the right thing, it's hard. It makes me want to just throw in the towel and give up. And I'll admit, sometimes I have. But as I was praying about it, God showed me that that's how He feels about us sometimes. He has all the answers we'll ever need, but we're so stubborn and stupid that we throw them back in His face because they're not the answers we want, or we think they're too costly or too hard. Yet He never stops loving us and never gives up on us, even when we do. It blows my mind. And it helps me understand Him a little bit better. I think this is how being a parent must feel, too. You want to fix everything and make everything better, but in the end, you have to let them make their own choices-good and bad. It's hard, but they wouldn't grow otherwise.

On a completely different note...it's amazing how the littlest things can make your day better. As I was in the middle of writing this, I got a visit from a good friend who moved away this year. He was down for a surprise visit, and I was the only one who knew he was coming. It was fun :) He and his friend came by the office to see me and Seth, and it just totally changed my mood. It was good to talk and laugh and remember crazy, fun stories. It pretty much made my day a million times better. So yay :)

Waiting

My life seems to revolve around waiting right now. Waiting for my loan stuff to get done. Waiting for something else to go wrong with my loan stuff (4th round as of right now). Waiting to be done with school. Waiting for God to tell me what I'm going to do with my life. Waiting for the right guy to come along. Waiting for my family situation to get better. Waiting for my new niece or nephew to be born. Waiting to finally get a paycheck. At the moment...waiting on Seth to be done giving blood so I can take him home. Although now I'm done waiting on that because he's going somewhere else. My life is full of waiting.

But that's ok. I've learned (and am still learning) that waiting is good sometimes. You don't always have to have everything instantly, contrary to what our culture thinks. Sometimes, waiting for something makes actually getting it even better. And sometimes it teaches you patience. And trust. Two things that I always struggle with. I don't have much of either of them except with a select group of people. But I'm learning.

And my life isn't all waiting-it's actually been busy lately. With school and work and BSM and hanging out with friends, I have a lot to do. But I love it :) And now I'm hungry, so I'm going to find some food.

Papers...

...are lame. I rediscover every semester how much I hate writing them. Which is a lot. Tests are lame, too. I have two this week. Plus homecoming stuff...still find it a little weird that I'm nominated for homecoming queen at my college, which is like, two hundred times bigger than my high school. Life is funny like that, I guess. Someday I'm going to get on here and write a real blog with everything happening in my life at the moment, but right now I don't have time. I have to quit procrastinating from my paper and go finish it. Peace.

Frustration

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I needed to scream. I'm so frustrated right now. My stupid loan stuff STILL isn't done. And my roomate isn't answering her phone, so I can't find out if my stuff has come in the mail or not. That stuff determines whether I go on the BSM retreat this weekend or go home to get paperwork signed by my dad. And I don't know yet because won't answer the freaking phone because she's talking to someone else and has been all afternoon!!!!!!!! I'm sure it's an important phone call, and there's no way she could know that I need to talk to her. I'm just frustrated. And sick of stupid junk. It hasn't been the greatest week. I hate being stressed. And being a girl. And reading for classes. And stupid drama. And being broke. These are the days when I miss having a boyfriend. Or maybe I just need a punching bag. Or a basketball goal. I think either one would do...

The whole week hasn't been terrible. Just some of it. I did get out of a meeting early last night, so I got to see the entire season premiere of Bones (yay). And I got lots of compliments on my hair today. Ignite on Monday night was really good, too. The Way meets tonight, so that'll be good too. I'm just ready for the week to be over.

Back In San Angelo

So I'm back in San Angelo. Not gonna lie, it was a little bittersweet. Snyder definitely became home for me over the summer. I was really sad to leave it, which is unusual. Usually I can't wait to get back to school. But I'm kind of glad that I feel that way about Snyder. I'm glad that home is much closer now (only an hour and a half!) and I can actually go home when I want.

My mom came up for a few days and helped us get our apartment all decorated and everything-it looks pretty sweet, if I do say so myself. Some of it was frustrating (stupid wall decals), but worth it in the end. Although I'm still putting off finishing a picture collage cause it just overwhelmed me. But it's sitting out on my kitchen table, so I can't put it off for too long. At least it's almost done.

I start work on Monday...it should be interesting. I've already gotten back into the swing of things with running Seth's life. It's pretty much like I never left. It's funny. At least now I'll get paid to do it :) I also did some major shopping for work clothes, and I'm not done yet. I have to actually dress up and look nice for this job....grrrrrrrr. Oh well. I might as well get used to it. I'm sure this won't be the only job in my lifetime where I'll have to dress nice. It's part of being an adult-lame. But it's all good. My life is pretty sweet :)

Family Camp

I've been in Galveston, TX since Tuesday evening for our church's Family Camp. It's a new concept for me...I've never heard of a church doing a camp for families instead of youth or children, so I was interested to see how it worked out. It was amazing. I have absolutely loved it, despite all the things that have gone "wrong." I have had such a good time, and have learned a lot.

First of all, I got to spend 6 days (counting tomorrow) near the ocean. How much better can life get? Seriously. I love water. Don't like the humidity so much, but if I'm near water, I can handle it. I didn't get to spend as much time on the beach as I would have liked, but that's ok. I got a full afternoon there a couple days ago, and I saw a gorgeous sunrise there this morning. Normally I'm not awake when the sun rises, but I made the effort to get up and go watch it with Traci. It was worth it...it was so beautiful, and I got some amazing pictures. God is so awesome to make such beautiful things in nature.

Second, my phone has disappeared. Strangely enough, it's been both a frustration and a blessing. Obviously, it's frustrating because I can't really communicate with anyone, and I'll have to pay to replace it...which I can't really afford right now. It also upsets me because it disappeared from a room that was full of church people. I think that disappoints me more than anything else. I'm still hoping that it will turn up when we pack everything up tomorrow, but at the same time I've pretty much just accepted that it's gone. But it's been a blessing in the sense that I've realized that I don't need to depend on having it as much as I did. Normally, losing my phone would freak me out. But for some reason, it didn't this time. I've been strangely calm about it. Well, it's not really that strange...it's God keeping me calm, not me. He's teaching me what's really important and what's not. My cell phone happens to be one of those things that really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things.

Yesterday was a rough day, but God sustained me through it. Like I said, my phone disappeared, but there were also several other stressful things on top of that. But God held me up through it all. I didn't lose it like I might have before. He's done that all summer, really. This has been one of the greatest summers of my life, and also one of the craziest. But I'm so grateful for it. I can truly say that I know what it means to be sustained by God. I wouldn't have made it without Him. I knew that before, and I had some experience with it before, but this was on a different level. And God came through. Sometimes I hate that I'm so human, and that I have to have proof of God's love for me. But at the same time, I'm so glad that He gives me that proof and assurance that I need, even though I don't deserve it. My thinking about so many things has changed this summer, and I look forward to learning and growing even more.

Thank you, Jesus, for all you do for me. For sustaining me through the difficult times, and for loving me enough to make me stretch and grow and not leave me where I am. For showing me what's really important and giving me such amazing family and friends to help me along the way. I love you.

Oh my goodness. I am soooooo worn out. I haven't physically worked this hard in a long time. And it's so stinkin hot, too! But watching and helping build a church is pretty cool. We got all the walls framed and put up today, and they were starting to put the roof on. I discovered I'm horrible at nailing stuff, but I can haul lumber with the best of them! That's mostly what I did today...and help out under the tent and carrying some other stuff. So yeah. I'm tired. Can't wait to go to bed...

I Kissed Dating Goodbye

Wow.

So I just read I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and yeah...wow. I wish I had read it like, 3 years ago. It totally changed my perspective on dating. And it wasn't at all what I expected. He doesn't talk about giving up on having a relationship or anything like that. He explains what dating actually is, and how it's mostly motivated by selfishness and not commitment. Then he goes on to explain what his views are and how he thinks it works best. And it all makes sense. It's not some crazy, way out there, completely reject everything and insert my own reality kind of thing. It's real, practical, biblical ideas. I love it. I think I'm going to have to read it a few more times to really get all of it, though. I read it in two days...that's how much I liked it. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello To Courtship (sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye) is next. Pretty excited about it :)

I'm leaving tomorrow for Church Builders...pray for us! Not quite sure what to expect...I've never built anything in my life. Honestly, I'm not that excited about it. I don't really feel like I'm going to be very useful. Praying about that, though. I am excited to see a church built in a week. That's gonna be cool. 

I've noticed that I almost always blog late at night. I guess that makes me kind of a night owl. It's when I unwind and think/reflect about my day. Interesting. Ok, I'm going to bed now.  

Random Thoughts

I just discovered a new bruise on my knee...and it actually hurts when I poke it.

I hate money. It's worth way too much and everything costs way too much of it. But I love stuff. Especially new, fun stuff. It's quite a quandary. 

Quandary is a funny-looking word.

I recently discovered the store Hollister (yes, I know, I'm way behind everyone else). I think it's going to become a new favorite.

I'm about to have to retire my favorite pair of Chucks, and it's seriously making me sad. I feel like I'm abandoning a puppy on the side of the road or something. Is it sad that I am that attached to a pair of shoes?

Lindt chocolate truffles are the most amazing chocolate ever. Period. Although German chocolate is a close second.

I've realized that lime green is pretty much my signature color.

It's amazing how much better sweet tea from Chicken Express and talking about random stuff with my dad makes me feel.

Sometimes, I wish I could afford to be like Christina on Grey's Anatomy...she never does laundry. She just buys new clothes. I hate doing laundry.

Who came up with the first fairytale? And what prompted them to do so? 

My little brother is awesome. I saw him last night at Super Summer, and we worshipped and prayed and cried together. Amazing. 

I cannot wait until August when I get to go back to San Angelo and live with my soul-twin. 

Soul-twins...perfect description, Bekah.

I have an obsession with black and white photography. 

I want a house. You know why I want a house? Because I want a yard. With a fence. Why? Because I want a dog. Preferably a big dog. So basically, I want a house so I can have a dog. And I'm just tired of being in an apartment. But mostly because I want a dog. 

I just got two new books. Yay :) 

Ridiculous Love-giving the best you have, all that you are, for the best there is...Jesus. 

That's what I'm striving for. 

I think I'm supposed to go overseas next summer. I want to be a JSI with iGo. Either in London or Tokyo...still trying to decide which one.

I'm out of random thoughts for now...more to come later, probably.   :)

From The Inside Out

by: Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed 
Still Your mercy remains 

And should I stumble again 
I'm caught in Your grace 
Everlasting 
Your light will shine when all else fades 
Never ending 
Your glory goes beyond all fame 

In my heart and my soul 
Lord I give You control 
Consume me from the inside out, 
Lord, let justice and praise 
Become my embrace 
To love you from the inside out 

Your will above all else 
My purpose remains 
The art of losing myself 
In bringing You praise 
Everlasting 
Your light will shine when all else fades 
Never ending 
Your glory goes beyond all fame 

In my heart and my soul 
Lord I give You control 
Consume me from the inside out, 
Lord, let justice and praise 
Become my embrace 
To love You from the inside out. 

Everlasting 
Your light will shine when all else fades 
Never ending 
Your glory goes beyond all fame 
And the cry of my heart 
Is to bring You praise 
From the inside out 
Lord my soul cries out 

In my heart and my soul 
Lord I give you control 
Consume me from the inside out, 
Lord, let justice and praise 
Become my embrace 
To love You from the inside out. 

Everlasting 
Your light will shine when all else fades 
Never ending 
Your glory goes beyond all fame 
And the cry of my heart 
Is to bring You praise 
From the inside out 
Lord my soul cries out. 

Everlasting 
Your light will shine when all else fades 
Never ending 
Your glory goes beyond all fame 
And the cry of my heart 
Is to bring You praise 
From the inside out 
Lord my soul cries out

So Many...

My heart is searching tonight-searching for a place to belong. Not a place to belong right now-I am where I belong. But a place to belong later. 

I was talking to my mom on the phone last night about some new realizations I've had recently. 

First of all, I am almost out of college. Ok, so maybe that's not so earth-shattering, but for me it almost was. It was sobering to realize that my time in college is almost up, and then I am completely in the "real world." I have no idea what I want to do after college. Ok, rephrase that-I have plenty of ideas of what I want to do, but no idea of what I actually will do. A year or two ago, that would have absolutely terrified me. Now, I find it exciting. I've learned that God's got everything under His control-again, seems like a no-brainer, but I like to be in control. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. But I'm so glad I did. Now, my entire outlook has changed. I'm excited to have the freedom to live my life without the restraint of school. Don't get me wrong, I have loved college and the amazing friends that God has blessed me with there. But I have so many things I want to do, places I want to see, and things I want to be involved in that I can't do right now because I'm in school. And honestly, there are so many of those places, people, and things that I may not accomplish them all in my life, but that's ok.  

I want to travel the world-to see all these places that I've only read about and seen pictures of in my history book. I want to go to Rome and Paris and London and actually experience history for myself. I want to go to Germany and see magnificent churches, to Austria to see the Alps, to Scotland and Ireland to see where my family came from, to Spain and Switzerland and so many other places. And that's just Europe! Australia, New Zealand, Israel, Russia, Japan, China, Costa Rica, Jamaica...I want to see it all! I would love to have a job where travel was either part of the job, or the hours were flexible enough that I could travel. Some people tell me that I should just become a travel agent and make it my job to go places. I actually looked it up tonight...it's a possibility :)

I want to learn photography. I want to be able to take pictures the way I actually see things. I can't draw or paint (I'm not that artistic), so taking pictures is the closest I can get to capturing the beauty I see around me in the people, animals, plants, and things God has created. I don't know if I would do it professionally (although that would allow me to travel!), but it is something that I really do want to learn. Fortunately, I'm taking a photography class this semester :)

I'm good at planning and organizing things (just ask Seth, I basically run his life for him), and I absolutely love it. I know most people don't, but I do-call me crazy, I guess. I looked up being an event planner tonight, too...another great possibility. And from within that, maybe more specifically a wedding planner. I bought 27 Dresses yesterday and watched it again (I saw it in theaters), and my reaction was the same as the first time I saw it-I laughed. Not just because it's a funny movie, but because my own life is so similar to Jane's. Granted, I don't have a closet full of 27 horrible bridesmaid dresses (I only have 2 so far, and they are both really pretty and worthy of being worn again), nor am I madly in love with my boss but can't tell him, but I do have many of the same characteristics. I love helping people, I'm organized, I take care of the people I love, I can be sarcastic, I love weddings, and if you push me too far, I'll snap and do something crazy (no worries, that usually doesn't happen-it takes A LOT to get me to that point). Although unlike Jane, I can say no. Anyway, at the beginning of the movie, Jane talks about how she found her "calling"- to help people with their weddings. It becomes a theme throughout the entire movie as she explains that she does all of this because she loves the people and wants to make them happy by making their day as special and beautiful and perfect as possible. I love that concept. 

I also want to get married and have a family someday. Someday being the key word there. This is where the rest of the conversation with my mom comes in. When I get married (if it happens), I want to marry my best friend. And with the exception of 2 people in my life, every best friend relationship I've had or have now has taken 2 things: time and work. Which is good, and usually necessary. And even the 2 best friends that are the exceptions are only exceptions in the sense of time. With those two people, we instantly hit it off and had so much in common that it felt like we had been friends for years already. However, both of those relationships have taken work to maintain, just like the other ones. Anyway, I say all of that to say this-my life feels very full right now (at least relationship wise). Full in a good way. I am so blessed and have the most amazing friends that I can't imagine having anyone else in my life in that capacity. Of course I'm not naive enough to say that it can't happen...it will happen at some point. It will happen whenever God has decided for it to happen, and that will be the perfect time. People grow and change and move on-it's just a fact of life. The times that are hardest for me are the days when I hear about another one of my friends getting engaged (or two of them, as the case was this past week). Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for them. But it is a little bittersweet. I've realized that I've reached that point in life where my friends basically fall into two categories: married or single. I have very few friends left that are just dating. And that's fine...again, it's part of growing up and moving on. But sometimes I just have to remind myself that my time will come when it's supposed to, and to be content wherever I am until then. Now the good part about being in that single category is that when I graduate, I'm free to go anywhere and do anything (ok maybe not anything, but you know what I mean). That's part of why I'm so excited. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be married and everything when I'm done with college-I think it's a stability thing for me. But mostly I'm just excited about the different possibilities.

I'm hoping that those possibilities include working for a ministry. I'm in my 4th summer as a youth intern, and I love it. If I could do this full time and get paid enough for it, that would be awesome (according to my pastor, I should just marry a youth minister). But I would also like to work for a larger ministry-Beth Moore, 268 Generation, iWitness, etc. Or something like To Write Love On Her Arms or Invisible Children-organizations that aren't necessarily "ministries" in name, but are basically doing ministry through their organizations. I want to help make a difference in people's lives.

So where do I belong eventually? I don't know. But I have a Savior who is guiding me closer to that place every day, so I'm just taking His hand and following where He leads. Sure, I wander away sometimes...but He loves me enough to discipline me and set me back on the right road. And I can't wait to see where that road takes me :)

First Time

So I finally caved in and got a blog. I'm hoping that this will be a good outlet for me...a way to get what I'm thinking out of my head and maybe make me less stressed. Sometimes it will be writing, most of the time it will probably just be lyrics to songs that express what I'm going through or feeling at the time...I seem to relate to music the best/most. And sometimes it will be pictures. I love looking at and taking pictures :)  

So what happened today? Well, it was an...interesting day. Most of it was good, some of it wasn't. 

The good parts:

1. My boss bought me a snow cone :)

2. I had a lot of fun hanging out with the kids at the park 

3. I got a lot of work done on the Sunday School lesson I have to teach in a couple weeks

4. My dad and I at at Mrs. Kathy's for lunch...aka, the most amazing restaurant in Snyder, TX

5. Chris gave me the proposal details from when he asked Ashley to marry him a day or two ago...super cool :)

6. I found out another couple of my friends got engaged, too

The bad parts:

1. I still didn't get paid (really hoping it's tomorrow)

2. I broke up with my boyfriend (was the right thing to do, but still sucks)

So yeah...the day itself was pretty good, just the end wasn't so great. But it will get better...life goes on, even when we think it should stop and freeze for awhile. I so wish I was on a jet-ski at the lake right now, though...or that it was raining and I could sit on a porch and read through it (thank you Scott, for giving me that idea). Oh well. I'll just have some Jesus time instead...that's way better :)