Stillness & Thinking

I always seem to write late at night. I don't know why, but for some reason that seems to be when I'm just in the writing mood. Maybe it's the solitude, or maybe the quiet. Maybe some of it is because I'm at home, and that always makes me nostalgic. Mostly I think it's the stillness. I go and go and go all day long, I'm rarely still. Even if I'm physically still, my mind is still racing, making sure I get everything done. Sometimes, it races too much and too far ahead of me, and I get seriously stressed out. But most of the time, I love it. I love being busy, and doing a million things all at once. I actually function better when I'm slightly stressed. Weird, I know, but it's true. I also function on caffeine...a fact that my boyfriend and friends love to make fun of me for (I can get slightly irritated if I'm deprived or if you try to take it away from me). All of that to say, it's rare that I'm still. So when I am, I'm usually thinking. Really thinking about things. Not planning things, or working on a schedule, or figuring out how to get everything done...just thinking. 

Sometimes, it's a good thing. Everyone needs to slow down every once in awhile and process the things that are going on in their life. Reflect on the things we've been blessed with. Dream about the things we want to accomplish. Simply pray and be thankful. Rest.

Other times, it hurts. I see things I need to work on in my life, areas I've failed. I don't like failing. And then I see the things that aren't my fault, but are still hurting me. Things that I don't have any control over and can't or don't know how to fix. These things hurt the most, because they come from a place that I never expected. And they have changed me forever. I'm not sure yet how I'll recover. But I realized today (after some wise counsel) that I have to recover. I just don't know how. These are the times when I don't like the stillness. When I struggle with the verse that says, "Be still and know that I am God." But these are also the times when I know I need the stillness most. To think and sort through all the pain, the anger, the fear, and the hurt. To give it up the only one who can fix it...whatever that may mean. This is the kind of thinking I have been doing the most lately. 

But there has been much of the happy kind of thinking, too. It never ceases to amaze me how God blesses me in the midst of my struggles. This past semester has been one of the hardest, and yet also one of the best semesters I've ever had. I have an incredible boyfriend, who has helped me, supported me, prayed with me and for me, and held me when I was falling apart inside. And after all that, he still wants to stick around for some reason that I sometimes don't understand, but am so glad for. I was not expecting or even looking for a relationship, and God just dropped him in my lap and said, "Here you go!" And I haven't stopped being thankful ever since then :) I have the most amazing group of friends. A core group of us are on the Leadership Team at the B, and it's awesome how close-knit we are as a group. We genuinely love each other, and we work well together. Basically, we've formed a family. And I love it. 

I have more that I'm thinking about, but it can wait for other late night posts. For now, the weariness has caught up with and is taking over the stillness. It's time to sleep and rest.